Weak

Dear Reader,

I lived a day surrounded by hurt and negativity.

Today, everyone around me was in the worst of moods whilst I woke up and decided to be happy today.
I let their emotions affect me when I shouldn’t have. I replayed their words over and over and over again in my mind, trying to justify why they would say those things, trying to be the better person by not reacting and saying something nasty back. But eventually it all got too much and my shield I had up to protect me dropped. Their words are now inside my head.

I don’t think they’ll ever get out.
I wish they would.
I feel full of hurt and mourning today.
I am constantly told by my family and peers that I have changed. They say it with malice, because they do not like change, and if something changes, they think it is bad. 

Whenever I feel good about myself something always comes int the way to make me feel bad. It’s like they know. 

I cannot be happy.
Have you ever cried so hard it’s almost impossible to keep it silent?

You have to make sure your breathing is not too heavy, that your sniffs are not to frequent and that your frantic inhalation of air is not too loud. Because then they will know. 
That their words have affected you.

That what they do and say works.

That you are weak.
I don’t think crying is weak by any means, however, I feel like my brain is. People can get inside it so easily and twist things into shapes that were never there before. I despise that.

I just want people to understand me. To stop trying to mould me into this person what want me to be, but instead just let me live. Truly live.

I hate this place I have to live.

I can’t wait until the day I can leave here. Start fresh and new.

I feel a little broken in the same places I have tried so long to nurture and heal.

Confidence and self-love seems to come at a cost. A cost of others – especially, it seems, family – misunderstanding you.

Sometimes that makes me feel like I have no confidence and that I can’t do anything for myself when I know full well I can.

Sometimes I just want to take the little that I have a run away. Far far away from where I am to a place I can reinvent myself and find people who accept me for the person I am.

I wish people would stop trying to drown out the fire I have inside me.

Because I sometimes can’t feel it anymore.

Sometimes they douse it out until even the embers won’t flicker anymore.

I don’t want that to happen.

Because then I’ll truly lose myself.

Dear Reader, have you ever felt that way? Helpless and unsure of your place in this world, of who you are because of the words of others breaking you down, no matter how hard you try to keep them out?

For now I’ll take deep breaths and continue to bide my time in this small world of small minds and small dreams.

I’ll kee my fire simmering and burning. 

I’ll keep trying.

I must have patience.

Until next time.

Yours,

Roses and Nachos xoxo

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