All over the place

Dear Reader,

I don’t really know where to begin.

In all honesty, I’m not entirely sure what I’m writing about.

This summer…this long five month summer break I’ve had from..well…life…has gone by so fast.

It’s time to start facing reality again.

The words fail to come out these days. I have no smart or witty comments…no impeccable thinking skills, no imagination, no nothing. My enjoyment of reading has seriously evaporated and I can’t settle down with a good book. I feel anxious, like the plot won’t unfold quick enough, I get bored, restless with the characters, annoyed at myself for my lack of patience. My writing skills are next to nothing and my brain feels like mush. That’s what I’ve learned during this summer of technology and social networking. It’s infuriating.

In some ways I feel like I’m falling into a bigger hole than the one I just managed to climb out from.

High School is over, thank God, but now begins the world of University, work, study and manic all nighters (not that I haven’t pulled a few of those before). Now begins the world where I am further pushed into a hierarchical system I cannot stand. A system of work-home-sleep-repeat. I’m not sure I want that.

This summer, despite my lack of direction and overwhelming desire to procrastinate on simple tasks like making a cup of tea, has allowed me the time to sit and think about the position I want to be in, 5 years from now.

Conclusion: not a fucking clue (excuse my french).

I’ve never been one for direction. I’ve always just managed to get by. I’ve always had to try really hard to want something. never been that motivated. I’m a last minute kind of person. My hobbies include procrastinating, wasting time and doing nothing.

I can be a real negative bitch sometimes (hey don’t judge me, we all have our downfalls) but I’m trying hard to change my mindset and become a more positive and open minded person.

It’s hard.

I can’t be doing it right then.

Truth be told, I’m sick of the same old, same old. I’m young but I feel like I haven’t lived, I have no desire to be the same person in the same place all my life. 5 months of a summer of nothing and 13 years of schooling has convinced me of that. I want to travel and see the world, set foot outside this place and make friends and feel confident. I want to step outside my comfort zone and feel the warmth of the sunrise kissing my skin each morning, or the electrifying shock of the cool waves attack my ankles as I walk along a beach. I want to feel like I am living.

I haven’t really felt like that. I’ve alway played it safe, treading carefully upon every aspect of life.Ii refuse to remain this way. I refuse to be intimidated by mindless people and bossy seniors. I refuse to feel small next to others. I deserve as much respect as anyone – I am human after all. I refuse to stay in this box I have been encouraged to live and to think in by teachers and elders. I want a taste of something different. a taste of a life without limits, without scrutiny, without…rules.

I want to live. I don’t just want to exist.

I don’t know how I’ll get there. and to be honest, I don’t know if I will but I will try. Thats the one thing that motivates me in this scrambled, seemingly meaningless world of mine – that some day I’lll get there, no matter how long it takes, no matter what, so long as I try.

*sigh*

This post is all over the place and it lacks direction – a bit like my life. Haha.

Then it shall be a form of symbolism, the way a red rose symbolises a passionate love, or the way a rising sun symbolises a new beginning.

Whatever it is, I hope it makes sense and I hope it is decipherable – unlike most of my buzzing thoughts.

Yours,

Roses and Nachos, xo

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